When It’s Our Time

Losing a loved one is hard.

Every loss sends shock waves through our hearts and minds. Fear can obstruct the wonderful memories of the past and miss the lessons from the current moment. With the recent loss of my Uncle Glen, I have been re-exploring the losses in my life and what it has taught me about life and how I plan to live it without them. More importantly, it got me thinking about what will happen when I am the one whose time has come? How will I react? With fear, anger and bitterness. Maybe even with regret, sadness and hopelessness? The real question I am wrestling with is what lasting impression about life and death do I want to leave them with? After saying goodbye to Uncle Glen this past weekend, I think I have an answer….

I remember the morning of my Uncle Glen’s triple by pass surgery in December. They had discovered his blocked arteries while checking his bladder cancer just weeks before. He was nervous but decided to be proactive before something worse happened. He consulted with the doctors and the date was set for surgery. That morning, I decided to meet him and the family at the hospital. As he checked in, I felt anxiety about what was to come. My cousin Melissa noticed and asked me “Are you OK? I know this might be hard for you.” You see I had lost both parents in the last 5 years and admittedly am still healing, coping and making sense of it all. Although the circumstances were different, fear was infiltrating my thoughts. So I pushed it all down and convinced myself it would be different this time. “Yes, I’m ok. Thanks for asking”, I replied.

As Uncle Glen made small talk with the nurse at check in, we all distracted ourselves by joking to keep things light and hopeful. Suddenly, my cousin Glen said “First it was Poppy (our grandfather), now dad (my uncle)…I guess I’m next.” He paused and sighed. Silence.

I froze, not sure what to say. The gravity of the situation suddenly hit me, fear rearing its ugly head again. Thankfully, the silence was quickly broken as the nurse informed us it was time to go. Something to ponder another day I thought.

We all hugged him and said “see you later”, then went to the waiting room, praying for a smooth procedure. Thankfully, hours later the surgeon emerged and indicated the procedure had gone well. Over the coming weeks he made good progress and began to walk, but complication after complication derailed his recovery. For the next 3 months, with his family by his side, he fought for his life, overcoming multiple challenges. His tenacity, strength and faith fueled our hope for his recovery. Unfortunately, the challenges eventually became too much for him and a decision was made to place him on hospice. Melissa reached out to let me know the end was near…

During the next 2 days in hospice, we all spent time as much time as we could with him. Every moment was precious. Even though the end was near and he was in severe pain, he was able to reminisce about the past and gave us all hope for the future. Whether he knew it or not, our final discussions with him blessed us all one last time with with how to live our lives when he is gone.

Here are his 10 words of wisdom:

Humor Heals: Humor has always been at the center of our family. This difficult time was no different. He made us and the nurses laugh right until the very end. In fact, since he could eat anything he wanted on hospice, he ordered Chinese food and said “I love this end of life process!” His message: Never lose your sense of humor…no matter what.

Quality over Quantity: While I sat by his bedside holding his hand, he leaned towards me and asked: “Besides family, how many people have your back Derrick?” Before I could answer he said “ It’s a hard question, huh?” I nodded. He continued, “Don’t worry, if you have 1-2 you are doing better than most. His message: It isn’t the number of relationships you have, its the quality of them.

Stay Committed in Your Marriage: As Amy and I stood over his bed, he looked deeply into our eyes and asked us: “Will your marriage be better or worse 10 years from now?” Surprised by his question, I paused. Then I said, “Our marriage is great, but I hope to make it even better.” He smiled and looked lovingly at us as if I had given him the answer he had hoped for. His message: Keep working to make your marriage better.

Love is All That Matters: He always loved my mom‘s Italian wedding soup. This soup was a tradition at the holidays and included meatballs, chicken, carrots, celery, onions, and escarole served with Parmesan cheese, and Italian crusty bread. After mom passed, I took on the responsibility of making it each year. Although I had her recipe, it just doesn’t taste the same. Since Uncle Glen loved it so much, my cousin Melissa suggested I bring him some, since he could eat whatever he wanted while on hospice. “Are you ready for some wedding soup, Uncle Glen?”, I asked loudly to make sure he could hear me. He nodded his head and smiled like he had been waiting for it. As I put a small spoonful, into his mouth, I said “I’m sure it’s not as good as moms.” He closed his eyes as he tasted it and smiled saying “It was made with love and that’s all that matters.” Then he paused and said “But you’re right, it’s not as good as your mother’s.” Lol. We all burst into laughter. His humor strikes again. His message: Put love into everything you do...especially life’s “soup”.

Cherish the Simple Things In Life: Before I left the first night, I said “I will see you tomorrow. Is there anything you want me to bring you in the morning?” He said “Yes, a black coffee and an apple fritter from Stewart’s.” So the next morning I went to Stewart’s as requested but they we’re out of apple fritters. “Ugh, I cannot go empty handed”, I thought to myself. So we went to the grocery store and then to a bakery but neither had a true apple fritter. So instead, we got an apple danish, an apple donut, and an apple roll. It wasn’t what he asked for, but since “it was bought with love”, I hoped it would be ok. As he tasted the apple donut and sweet filling, his eyes rolled back into his head in shear ecstasy. He hadn’t had a sweet treat like this in over three months. It pleased him beyond belief. He took a sip of the coffee and again seemed beyond pleased. “Thank you so much” he said . His message: “Appreciate the simple things in life.”

Stay Joyful, Stay Grateful: Many family and friends came to visit him over those two days. Each time they arrived, he was so happy and grateful to see them. Rather then feel sorry for himself and show sadness, he grabbed their hand, hugged them and comforted them. He stayed joyful through it all even with what was unfolding. I’ll always remember how he yelled with joy when my uncle “Peter” arrived from Barryville. His message: Joy and gratitude are always our choice regardless of circumstance.

Love your Family: Over those 2 days I watched Uncle Glen interact with Aunt Janet and his adult children. What was most striking was how he held their hands, gazed into their eyes and told them over and over how much he loved them. It was pure, genuine and beautiful. A true model of how a father and husband should love their family. His message: Family matters the most.

Live, Love, Laugh...Today: Once he was on hospice, he knew his time was short. Instead of fear, anger or sadness, he maximized every moment he had left. He squeezed our hands, told stories, shared his wisdom and made us laugh. He was clear. He was focused. He was “present”. He took advantage of every second he had left. His message: Today is precious, live TODAY.

Keep the Faith, Trust God’s plan: His faith never wavered. Not once. He never blamed or cursed God. He just trusted God’s timing even though it meant his time here was coming to an end. To comfort us, especially Aunt Janet, he chose a song for us to play once he passed: Far Side Banks of Jordan. Although he trusted God’s plan, he wanted her to know his only regret as the song states was “leaving her behind.” His message: I’ll be waiting on the Far Side Banks of Jordan for you all.

Don’t Cry, instead Celebrate: As the end was approaching, and his wisdom had been handed out, he had one remaining wish after his death: A big party! That’s right, he asked that we throw a big party to celebrate his life including all of his favorite foods including the Italian wedding soup. And even though it wasn’t as good as mom’s, he knew it would all be made with love. And that’s all that really matters. His message: Celebrate life!

THANK YOU Uncle Glen. I’ll use YOUR wisdom both in life and death. When my time comes, I’ll look for you on the Far Side Banks of Jordan. In the meantime, give Mom and Dad a hug for me and tell them I miss them dearly.

Until I see you again...I love you.