What Builds Character?

As a leader and coach our character is critical. It builds trust and enables connection with others. It sets the foundation for how we act in times of adversity, stress and challenge. How we build it through the years is a combination of our experiences, our choices, the observations we make and who we choose to spend time with. How we maintain it, is a matter of mindset.

This isn’t any different as a parent as we help our children build their character or shape their mindset. As my daughter Megan went off to college, we thought about the character we had instilled in her; integrity, faith, work ethic and service to others. Up to this point, there was no reason for doubt, but college presented new risks. It had been 26 years since my wife and I had graduated college (yes, that long!) so what should we be concerned about that would test her character?

Drinking? Drugs? Sex? Bullying? Cheating? Stealing? Arrogance? All definitely a concern, but based on Megan’s track record, we felt comfortable we had these covered. Therefore, we dropped her off that rainy Sunday afternoon feeling sad, but confident that she had a good foundation to face whatever challenges college had to throw at her…at least we thought.

What we weren’t prepared for was a significant injury the second day of pre-season! But that is exactly what happened and it took us completely off-guard. Megan had committed over a year ago to play volleyball at Merrimack and had diligently prepared for her chance to earn the starting setter role when the time came. Daily she whined that her senior high school year wasn’t going by fast enough and how she couldn’t wait to play at college. Her excitement was contagious and her goals were clear: Help Merrimack win an NCAA championship. Period. On day 2 of pre-season training, that mindset would be challenged. During a routine drill and a jump set she has done hundreds of times, she came down wrong and severely rolled her right ankle: A grade 3 tear, 6-8 weeks minimum rehabilitation! Ugh. Now what? Will she even get to play her freshman season? Many questions filled our minds…all stemming from a fearful mindset.

I’ll admit, mindset was the first thing that I thought of…not hers but mine! I was mad at God for letting this happen and I let Him know it. “What purpose could this have?”, I asked Him. After all she had worked for, why would He bring her this far and let this happen? Ask a lousy question, get a lousy answer. Clearly my mindset needed work before I could appropriately help hers.

Slowly though, I realized this had nothing to do with God or me, but represented a character building opportunity we couldn’t have been prepared for: Injury. You see, Megan has never had a serious injury in 12 years of athletics or even sat the bench for that matter. This was new…for her and me.

So what now?

What’s the lesson?

More importantly, what’s the approach and mindset?

What is the pace to acknowledge the disappointment but then quickly focus on getting well?

How she can help her team in other ways?

For her, it was two days of uncertainty, pain and disappointment as she waited for the results. For me, it was two days of individual reflection as to why I felt the way I did and getting my mindset right. You see, we didn’t rush to take her to the emergency room that day, thanks to my wife’s wisdom. In fact, we didn’t even go and see her.

“What? We aren’t going right down?” I yelled angrily at my wife. “Are you kidding?”

“Nope, let’s wait and see what the x-ray shows and doctor says”, my wife calmly but firmly declared.

Those that know me well, understand how difficult this “decision” was for me and the incessant second guessing that would follow. But I agreed… reluctantly.

So we paused and let the process at college take over…not only as an opportunity for Megan, but one for my own personal growth had just shown itself. We let her work through it with the Athletic Trainer… and with very close support over FaceTime. I begrudgingly stood by from a distance, guiding her and supporting her. Most importantly, empowering her to work through the emotional and physical pain as well as uncertainty. We modeled confidence in her ability, our prior preparation and the college’s process. Through this distance, we facilitated a mind shift:

From loss to opportunity.

From disappointment to determination.

From dependence to independence.

From whiner to Warrior.

By letting her learn to manage her mindset under these circumstances and making her own choices, she was building her character. Reaching her own conclusions would build confidence. Her focus evolved from what “she lost” to what she can do for the team and how she can still grow even in her limited condition. As a coach, we call this a “growth” mindset. Some things in life need to be experienced and learned on our own. This builds the courage, confidence and character we can only learn from “going through it” ourselves… a valuable lesson for both a parent and child.

We saw her this past Saturday. Almost 11 days had passed since the injury, but it felt like a lifetime. The prognosis was still the same but she looked at peace with it and focused on the journey ahead. Most of all she looked proud of herself and ready to embrace the Warrior mindset. No tears, no whining…just support for her team, a positive attitude and a determination to get well.

I also grew these last few days. My character had been tested, humbled and strengthened. In fact, a new awareness was born inside of me for situations like this. My mindset has evolved. I apologized to both my wife and God, as clearly they both knew a character building opportunity when they saw one. 🙂

As we go through the challenges throughout our lives, let us use them as opportunities to build our character by embracing the “warrior” mindset.

How is your character being built? As a whiner or Warrior?