Author: Derrick Rumenapp

What’s YOUR Cheese?

What’s YOUR Cheese?

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I was walking by my bookshelf the other day and noticed an old book I have “consulted” several times throughout my career during times of immense change… “Who Moved My Cheese” by Spencer Johnson. Something told me, it was time to sit down and read it again.

This may sound odd, but this time I decided to read it aloud to myself, like a parent would read to a child. Surprisingly, this approach immersed me in the content and characters, and forced me to stay focused and thoughtfully reflect on how I was handling the current change in my life. As the story unfolded, I quickly identified with the characters and situations it presented as well as how I let some behaviors trap me recently. What I wanted(my cheese), where I was looking for it (in the maze) and who I was behaving like (a mouse or a little person) during my journey through change became important questions to answer…

Why Cheese and Who was I in the Story?

The story cleverly uses cheese as a metaphor for “what” we are pursuing in life and a maze  to symbolize “where” we are looking for it like in our relationships, our health or even in our careers. The cheese and maze together set the stage for two mice and two little-people who emerge and demonstrate different behaviors and mindsets when detecting and dealing with change:

  • Sniff is a mouse that sniffs out change early.
  • Scurry is a mouse who scurries into action quickly when faced with change.
  • Hem is a little person who denies and resists change as he fears it will lead to something worse.
  • Haw is a little person who learns to adapt in time when he sees changing leads to something better.

As I read the story and reflected on the characters, I could see over the last year that I had exhibited behaviors of each of them at times, but it was clear who I was acting the most like currently and who I needed to become going forward.

How Do I Approach Change?

Next, it challenged me to honestly assess how I detect, think about, and approach change as well as my ability to “read the handwriting on the wall” as the book describes it, during changes in my life:

  • Change Happens – they keep moving the cheese.
  • Anticipate Change – get ready for the cheese to move.
  • Monitor Change – smell the cheese often so you know when it’s getting old.
  • Adapt To Change – the quicker you let go of old cheese, the sooner you can enjoy new cheese.
  • Change – move with the change.
  • Enjoy Change! – savor the adventure and enjoy the taste of new cheese!
  • Be Ready To Change Quickly and Enjoy It Again and Again – they keep moving the cheese.

It took a mere 50 minutes to read this book and even though it wasn’t the first time, it felt like it. I had forgotten these basic principles when facing change and how it didn’t matter “who” moved “my cheese”, but rather, making sure I knew what “cheese” I really wanted, detecting whether it was still there, and having the courage to proactively look for new “cheese” if needed.  Lessons I could have learned from a mouse!

How about you?

  • What is your cheese?
  • Who are you in the story?
  • How do you approach change?
  • Are you reading the “handwriting on the wall” and acting accordingly?

P.s. – for those that think it’s to weird to read to yourself (I won’t tell anyone!), you can have the author read it to you on Audible.com for $12…it’s well worth it!

Do You Walk The Talk?

Do You Walk The Talk?

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My family has a strong faith. We are active in the church and community, doing what we can to help those in need. This includes volunteering, donating clothes, leading fundraisers and supporting our local food pantry.

For some reason, one “opportunity” to help others always makes me feel uncomfortable. This involves being approached directly from those in need on our city streets asking for assistance. This happens locally and sometimes when we travel…like recently during our trip to Pittsburgh.

My Hesitation

Throughout my life, I have experienced a hesitation at times when approached by someone in need as I walked down the street. Various concerns race through my mind like will the money be used for alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, gambling or other perceived inappropriate uses. Admittedly, the perception that the person in need might “misuse the support” has prevented me from giving at times in the past. The internal conflict between wanting to help, but also wanting to direct “how my help gets used” caused confusion in my mind on the example I want to set for my children. Didn’t I want my children to help others in need? What was my behavior teaching them?

My Decision and Plan

This decision is very personal and by no means is the same for everyone but as a parent, I wanted to make sure my wife and I agreed on “the plan”. After much thought, we decided to separate the “desire to give” from the recipient’s choice on “how it will be used” as the basis for how we set an example for our children. We acknowledged that the unknown risk of “inappropriate use” was worth the chance it could really be used to help them. We focused on the goal of “helping” and on what we could control. In the event that we were asked for money specifically for things that we knew would harm them, we reserved the right to buy them food instead. If we felt our safety would be jeopardized, we also could choose to disengage. Otherwise, a request for help would be met with respect, empathy and love…not questions, judgement or fear. Even with this mindset though, I am always taken off guard, whether the recipient is standing or sitting on the sidewalk with a sign or as they approach me walking down the street. Recently, during our family trip to Pittsburgh to see the Steelers play, my decision to help others, follow the plan and “walk the talk” was again tested.

The Opportunity

Each year my family and I make our annual trip to Pittsburgh to see the Steelers play. We are truly blessed to be able to do this and am grateful every time we go. This year we had chosen a Sunday night game and therefore had all day Sunday to tailgate. The weather was perfect and we had stopped at a local grocery store for numerous snacks. Since it was Sunday, I decided to wear a new Steelers T-shirt (insert above) my wife had gotten me. It has a picture of a cross made up of the Steelers logo and the words:

“All I need today is a little bit of Steelers and a whole lot of Jesus” .

Several people noticed it that day and complemented me on it. I beamed with pride.

As my son Matthew and I threw the football in the parking lot while tailgating, I noticed a homeless person lingering around. We had our trunk open, the Sunday NFL ticket playing in the background and a smorgasbord of tailgating food displayed. As the homeless person came closer, you could see him searching our faces, trying to make eye contact and hoping to find someone that would help. As I observed him and the others nearby, many people simply looked away and pretended to be preoccupied with something as he approached. Eventually his eyes met mine and then I saw him look at my shirt. As he did this, I felt uncomfortable.

I knew what was about to happen. I wanted to help. So why did I feel uncomfortable? I wasn’t sure what he was going to ask me, but in general I knew it would be for help. As he walked across the parking lot towards me, my heart raced.

What was I going to say?

What was I going to do?

What behavior would I model for my son, my family and in front God?

Would I respond with love, fear or judgement?

The answers should’ve been easy. The answers should’ve been clear. But every time this happens I feel tested in what I say versus what I will do. Will I walk the talk echoed in my mind?

He humbly approached me, shoulders slumped, eyes downward and said:

“Sir, excuse me, I have not eaten in days, and I was wondering if you would make me a sandwich?”.

The Response

Everyone froze. I hesitated, squeezing the football firmly. All eyes, including my son’s, were on me.

Yes, the guy wearing a cross in the shape of a Steelers logo and a message that said “All I need today is a little bit of Steelers and a whole lot of Jesus “ on a Sunday hesitated! But why? He wasn’t asking for money. He simply wanted food! The test had begun…

It felt like minutes past, when if fact only milliseconds as he humbly waited for an answer. Suddenly the words: “Absolutely!” sprang from my mouth as if placed there by “someone” else. I quickly went to the front of the car and made a big sandwich. As I came to the back of the car, to my surprise, my wife and son had already pulled out a plate with chips, cookies and other snacks for him!  I handed it to him, making eye contact, smiling and shaking his hand. He thanked me and smiled. That was the last time I saw him that day and the last time I was approached during the trip. My son and I went back to throwing the football, watching the Steelers and eating…all blessings that were previously taken for granted.

The Lesson

We never spoke again about what happened that day but it stayed with me throughout our trip and to this day. It reminded me there are times when “what we say” versus “what we do” is tested in ways that are unexpected, sometimes in front of those we love and respect, but many times when no one is looking. Living our beliefs can sometimes be difficult, but choosing to be kind and genuinely helping others will always be the right choice whether with money, food, a smile or even letting them know they are “seen”.

The Steelers lost that weekend but the trip was unbelievably memorable not only because of the time spent with family but because of the lesson that I re-learned about my values, helping others and walking the talk.

What about you? How do you serve others? Do you walk the talk?

Navigating the Transformation

Navigating the Transformation

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I had lunch with a colleague from another local company the other day. As we caught up, questions about GE’s transformation, the stock price and the future of the company arose. More specifically, he asked how I managed my “mindset” during this time of change and how I was handling it with my team. Based on his questions and the likely relevance this has to others, I have taken the time to capture my answer in a format that I can share below.

Here were my takeaways:

  • Show Empathy and Be Authentic – Acknowledge that change and transformation can be hard and that everyone handles it differently. Realize that people transition through change at different rates; some are excited by change and the potential to influence the road ahead; some are anxious about change and want to proceed more cautiously. Although we won’t be able to relate to everyone’s specific experience, we can still show we care and be ourselves.
  • Be Clear and Patient – Some people have many questions, especially during times of unprecedented change. Some questions we have the answers to, some we don’t, and others we are not at liberty to share. Be clear about the boundaries of what can and cannot be shared. Patiently reiterate these boundaries when questions are repeated that cannot be answered at that time.
  • Focus on What You Can Control – People genuinely want to help in times of adversity. Therefore, reinforce the importance one’s daily job responsibilities and how this is one of the best ways they can help. This also helps clarify their role in the transformation by focusing on what they can control.
  • Model Professional Development – When significant change occurs in a company, it is NOT the time to stop learning. In fact, it is one of the most important times to reiterate the available resources and your support of their training plans. This shows a continued investment in their ongoing professional development and means even more when they see you making time to learn also. #LearnDaily
  • Encourage Good Career Hygiene – No matter what “season” a company or career is in, everyone should regularly revisit the progress they are making in their career, how they present themselves, and the vitality of their network. Internally, this includes updating your company profile; leveraging learning and development tools; and collaborating with peers and colleagues to continue to expand your knowledge of the company and network. Externally this may involve knowing the market / industry and how certain careers or technologies are evolving. In all cases, growing your network is a MUST both internally and externally. Stay connected to peers in the industry. Network on trends in your career field and stay on top of evolving technologies. Having a current resume and updated LinkedIn profile is important too!  This is just good career “hygiene”!
  • Volunteer – Helping others, helps everyone. Therefore, volunteer as a mentor or coach for people both inside and outside your team. Being an accessible “advisor” allows you to share your perspective as a mentor or guide others into discovering their own answers as a coach. This can lead to clarity, connection, self-defined actions and a better overall “mindset”… for both of you.
  • Walk the Talk – Simply put: Practice what you Preach. The more congruent your behavior is with what you communicate, the more trust, comfort and productive people will likely be.

How about you? How do you manage your mindset and navigate your team during times of change?

How Clear Are You?

How Clear Are You?

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I recently stopped at a Wellness Pharmacy to pick up my daughter’s vitamin supplements. Typically, we get these somewhere else but with her at college now, the process to auto ship was not worked out yet. As the cashier rang up the supplements, she informed me that the item didn’t qualify as a Health Savings Account (HSA) purchase. When I inquired as to why, she informed me that when they upgraded their system years ago, something had “broken” with this type of transaction. Since I was short on time, I agreed to use another payment method but indicated that I would no longer purchase these supplements there since I was able to use the HSA account at other stores.

The manager overheard and quickly came over, apparently unaware of this recurring issue. After double checking and confirming it, she seemed frustrated. Not because I had brought the issue up, but because other store personnel (and customers) had experienced the same issue for over a year! She indicated that she would immediately look into it, apologized and acknowledged that the “issue” likely caused lost sales for their business. I thanked her, paid for the supplements and left. As I did, I thought about whether there were things I might not be aware of both personally and professionally, and what role my own behavior played in this.

As a Leader:

  • Was my team comfortable bringing issues to me?
  • Is there something they have “learned to live with” that could be hurting the business?
  • Is the value proposition clear for the outcomes they drive and from the customer’s perspective?
  • Do I treat my team the way I want them to treat the customers?
  • Are my expectations clear?

As a parent:

  • Were my values clear to my children to avoid any misunderstanding of my expectations?
  • How do I handle or react to mistakes that are brought to me?
  • Do I model what I believe and what is important?

I left the store that day with more than I had come for including a new perspective, a lot of questions and an awareness I hadn’t had before. Clearly, there were few more “things” I needed to think about including whether my own behavior mirrors my expectations. In short, were there things I wasn’t aware of, both personally and professionally, as a result of my own behavior?

How about you? Does your behavior as a leader or even a parent bring clarity to your expectations?

What is YOUR Life’s Work?

What is YOUR Life’s Work?

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As many of you know, I am a football fan, more specifically, a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. And by football, I mean American Football played in the National Football League (NFL), not what Americans call soccer. Although I love “futbol” also!

In fact, it’s one of the first things people learn about me when they meet me. Since I am not from Pittsburgh though, people often ask:

“Why the Steelers”?

For one thing, they were the best team in the 1970’s when I was a child. Witnessing the Steelers win an incredible 4 Super Bowls in a 6 year span amazed and inspired me. It made me proud to be a fan and influenced how I wanted to be seen and some of my anchors (values) in life. In fact, I wore my Steelers jersey in every school picture (yes, that’s really me!)! As I got older and played sports, I always wondered: “What mindset would a team need to have to win so many championships in such a short amount of time?” This question and importance of mindset stuck with me throughout my life. Lastly, the “”Steelers” name was voted on and chosen by the local community to represent strength and the city’s main source of employment… the Steel industry. This created a connection and love between the people of Pittsburgh and the Steelers that is second to none in the NFL. Each year, my family and I attend a home game to experience this phenomenon. I have bled black and yellow ever since.

Recently, I had another opportunity to share my love for the Steelers (among others things) but this time as a guest speaker at a GE Training course in Roanoke, Virginia. Now to be clear, the focus of my presentation wasn’t about the Steelers, but rather the power of being authentic, embracing your journey and how the coaching mindset has changed my life or as the class later described it: “My Life Pivot”.

When I hear the word “pivot”, I always think of the years playing basketball in high school and how pivot meant to keep one foot stationary or “anchored” as you move the other foot legally to get a better view of the basket, the opponent or the court. This makes it easier to decide whether to dribble, pass or shoot, ensuring the anchored foot isn’t moved to avoid what’s called “traveling”. To me, this became symbolic of life and how our ability to clearly see and consider other options is greatly improved once we are “anchored” in who we really are, the beliefs we have and the life we are meant to live.

So I began my presentation with just that:  a slide “About Me”. Instead of explaining the business I am from, my title, years at GE, and my job responsibilities, I shared things that reflect my values, my character and my passions…the things that “anchor me” from drifting away from my purpose in life:

  • My Marriage: 22 Years to the most incredible woman in the world
  • Family: Blessed with 2 amazing kids
  • My Hometown: Milford NY, Population 3,000 and 1 stop light. Graduated 3rd in my High School class of 35
  • My Heroes: My Mom and Jesus
  • My Favorite Charities: Epilepsy Foundation and Operation Smile
  • My Secret to Success: Getting up early and starting with gratitude
  • My Secret Weapon: Prayer
  • My Favorite Car: 1982 Corvette
  • My Dream Home: Log cabin on the lake
  • And of course, my Favorite Team: The Steelers

In addition to applauding my wife for sticking with me for 22 years, I received a roar from the other Steeler fans in the room. You see, Steeler fans are everywhere and I always make a point to “high five” Steeler fans whenever I see them…even strangers in airports (yes, my family is always embarrassed). So at the time, I didn’t think much about how sharing my love for the Steelers had demonstrated camaraderie and how it foreshadowed the week ahead.

What are YOUR values? What are YOUR “anchors” in life?

As the presentation continued, I spoke of my journey since High School, changing college majors, various career pivot points, defining personal challenges, significant life events and recently needing “help” to find my way. I shared how I had been blessed with a great career with many incredible jobs, bosses, teams and accomplishments but with all the change at GE recently, I became confused on how I wanted to grow my career. Plus, in the busyness of my personal life and turning 50 soon, I had also lost sight of my purpose, what mattered and what would later be referred to as “my life’s work”. I felt “lost”. This uncertainty became the catalyst to the actions that would follow…another “pivot” had begun.

I made the move. I partnered with my manager and HR. I even hired an external “coach” to jump start my journey of discernment. Admitting I didn’t have all the answers and asking for help was the hardest part, but then something surprising happened. It became exhilarating, liberating and exciting. Instead of spending energy on rumors, unproductive thoughts and worrying about “what might happen”, the coaching process helped me focus on what I could control, what I really wanted, why I wanted it and being accountable to take action. It helped me uncover common themes, strengths and passions I had overlooked and forgotten in my current and previous jobs. The more I worked with my coach, the more I learned about the “coaching process” itself and the incredible impact a “mindset pivot” could have. Not only in managing my career and as a GE Leader, but in how I lead in my life as a husband, parent, son and friend.

With this realization, I immersed myself in everything I could read or watch on the “coaching mindset”. I networked internally and externally; and was even lucky enough to be included in a Coaching Pilot at GE, accelerating my hands on learning. I was hooked! Not only had the “coaching process” given me clarity on what mattered in my personal life (my anchors), it showed me that helping others is where my passion had always been and that the “coaching mindset” could have tremendous impact in my life! As the momentum gained, I acknowledged that the only thing that had held me back in the past was me, my lack of clarity on what I wanted, my unwillingness to ask for help and my fear to take action…in fact, my mindset had been the obstacle all along.

Coaching taught me:

  • Be Self-aware: Know your values and yourself.
  • Be Authentic: Show others who you really are.
  • Be Humble: It’s OK to ask for help!
  • Be Vulnerable: Share yourself, be open.
  • Be Accountable…Be clear on what, why and when. Act!
  • Be Willing: Change your mindset…hardest of all!
  • Walk the Talk: Model what you preach.
  • Recognize: “I am a habit”. Eliminate defeating habits. Embrace empowering ones.
  • Your Inner Peace: Directly related to being yourself and acting congruently with your anchors.

The session ended with an insightful Q&A session and a rousing applause. It was one of the most amazing moments of my professional career and the most vulnerable I had been in a long time. It reinforced the importance of “being anchored” and how a “mindset pivot” paved the wave for the next step in my journey.

What is YOUR mindset?

What followed next was unexpected. Over the next 2 days, more than half the class approached me with encouraging words, insightful observations and stories of their own. They complimented my authenticity, vulnerability, and the real, raw way I told my story. Many said they were inspired, energized and refreshed, even gained a new perspective. Some went home and shared it with their spouses, sparking needed conversations and even breakthroughs. Incredibly one said “they would always remember this presentation”.

I was humbled and even overwhelmed, wondering:

  • Why had my story and “anchors” resonated with so many?
  • What had ignited such engagement and response?
  • Were there really that many people that could relate to my journey, faced similar challenges and/or were looking for their own “mindset pivot”?
  • Had we just experienced an approach to connect people and cultivate camaraderie; aka “culture” through authenticity, vulnerability, accountability and candor?

I certainly understand loving the Steelers but this felt like something more. A lot more! ?

The questions swirled in my mind as the days unfolded. Clearly a connection with others had been formed that day, but not by sharing my career formalities and titles, but by sharing my story, myself and the things that “anchor me” in my life. It opened the door for others to share themselves, build a connection of their own, and possibly a new “anchor” from which to begin their own “life pivot” from.

This experience also has convinced me that a coaching mindset can help spark, reinforce and advance a company’s culture by modeling behavior that creates connection, character and conversation among people…the very things that support a company’s culture.  In fact, to me, culture is about how we work together, the behaviors we reinforce with each other, and what we are willing to accept from each other. Culture stems from a mutual respect and a way of treating each other to accomplish our goals and is influenced not only by a company’s “published” expectations (beliefs, values, behaviors) but also by who we are as people outside of the office. Coaching can help discern, acknowledge, and mobilize the behaviors necessary to recognize our anchors and evolve our mindset. In turn, this makes us comfortable with who we are, what we value, what we want, and how to get there. This clarity gives us the confidence to take the risk in letting others know the real us. From this vulnerability, authenticity and openness, a connection with others emerges that inevitably contributes and shapes a company’s “culture”.

What is YOUR connection with others?

As the final day of class came, it ended symbolically for me with a gift that represented all we had shared (anchors), what we could change (mindset) and how we had bonded (connection) that week to remind us of what really matters in life. You see, as I arrived that day, I was given a gift from one of the attendees, Chris DeFalco (far right below). It was in the form of a book from his personal bookshelf. He indicated he wanted to give me something that reflected his interpretation of my presentation and the impact it had on him. With that in mind, he handed me a book titled “Their Life’s Work”.

Wait for it…..

That’s right! The “Brotherhood of the 1970’s Pittsburgh Steelers, Then and Now”.  WOW!

Picture (left to right): Steeler Fans – John Renick, Derrick Rumenapp, Bryan Gregory, Chris DeFalco.

First, anything Steelers is AWESOME! Period.

After the experience this week, this gift meant so much more than a football gesture or camaraderie between Steeler fans. To me, it symbolized the correlation between the teamwork and camaraderie (connection) needed to turn the Steelers into 4 time Super Bowl Champs and the candor, vulnerability and authenticity a coaching mindset can bring to an organization’s culture to achieve such a feat! The book further illustrated how the philosophy of Chuck Knoll, the coach at the time, created a culture of brotherhood where teammates cared for one another, reinforcing that football (aka our jobs) was not “their life’s work”. In fact, “their life’s work” was linked more to how they treated others (culture) and the brotherhood (connection) they formed along the way as a result of knowing, sharing and giving of themselves…versus the fame, wealth, championships or career accolades they achieved. #Speechless

I left Roanoke energized; inspired and more convinced than ever that the coaching mindset can guide people to become the best version of themselves through authenticity, vulnerability and fearlessly making a “mindset pivot” in pursuit of “our life’s work”. It further demonstrated how a coaching mindset can not only transform our life and careers, but can also play a major role in the culture of company. For me, living my faith, modeling the behaviors I want my children to embody, giving service to those in need, and guiding people to become the best version of themselves as a Servant Leader is undoubtedly “my life’s work”.

Everyone didn’t leave a Steelers fan that day, but I guess that wasn’t the point. Instead, they left with an appreciation of “being themselves”, the importance of knowing their anchors, the impact of their mindset, a deeper connection with each other and an awareness that our life’s work may be a “mindset pivot” away.

What is YOUR life’s work?

Listen to the podcast on Brilliance: Leadership Learning – Growing into Coaching by Derrick Rumenapp

Life can change in a moment…

Life can change in a moment…

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…and that’s exactly what happened.

On June 6, 2009, my 2 year old son Matthew (affectionately called “Matty Moo”) had his first seizure and was diagnosed with a rare and difficult to treat form of Epilepsy called Doose Syndrome or Myoclonic Astatic Epilepsy (MAE’s).

The world stopped that day for my family. We couldn’t breathe as we watched an enormous dark cloud engulf our lives. Fear, uncertainty, anger, helplessness and hopelessness began to dominate my mindset. 100 seizures a day.

3 Hospitals. 5 Medications. 0 Answers.

Now, 9 years later, Matthew is seizure free thanks to Epilepsy Foundation, the Ketogenic diet and God’s grace. Life is “normal” for him and he barely remembers those difficult years. No more fear. No more hopelessness. No more pain from epilepsy…at least not for us.

You see, Matthew is a rare example of a child that became seizure free and who no longer needs medication or special diets to control his seizures…a true miracle. Most people diagnosed with rare and difficult to treat forms of epilepsy like Matthew, never gain seizure control and struggle throughout their life. In fact, there are nearly 500,000 children living with seizures in the United States today with 45,000 new cases each year.

1 in 26 people will be diagnosed with epilepsy.

The need is real and the urgency to find a cure is NOW.

It has become my family’s personal mission to raise awareness and funding to support programs and research to find a cure for epilepsy. Therefore, on September 9, 2018, my family and I will be participating in the 10th Annual Walk for Epilepsy in Saratoga Spa State Park in Saratoga, New York. We have attended every walk since its inception in 2009 and we would greatly appreciate your support of this cause by making a donation to support the Epilepsy Foundation and help the “Matty Moo Team” reach their fundraising goal of $5,000!

To Donate:  Click “Sponsor Our Team” and follow the instructions to make an online donation with a credit card at: http://bit.ly/2018MattyMooTeam

Thank you for considering this very personal and important cause!

For more information on our story, see: https://youtu.be/qTE9oxvU65A

What Builds Character?

What Builds Character?

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As a leader and coach our character is critical. It builds trust and enables connection with others. It sets the foundation for how we act in times of adversity, stress and challenge. How we build it through the years is a combination of our experiences, our choices, the observations we make and who we choose to spend time with. How we maintain it, is a matter of mindset.

This isn’t any different as a parent as we help our children build their character or shape their mindset. As my daughter Megan went off to college, we thought about the character we had instilled in her; integrity, faith, work ethic and service to others. Up to this point, there was no reason for doubt, but college presented new risks. It had been 26 years since my wife and I had graduated college (yes, that long!) so what should we be concerned about that would test her character?

Drinking? Drugs? Sex? Bullying? Cheating? Stealing? Arrogance? All definitely a concern, but based on Megan’s track record, we felt comfortable we had these covered. Therefore, we dropped her off that rainy Sunday afternoon feeling sad, but confident that she had a good foundation to face whatever challenges college had to throw at her…at least we thought.

What we weren’t prepared for was a significant injury the second day of pre-season! But that is exactly what happened and it took us completely off-guard. Megan had committed over a year ago to play volleyball at Merrimack and had diligently prepared for her chance to earn the starting setter role when the time came. Daily she whined that her senior high school year wasn’t going by fast enough and how she couldn’t wait to play at college. Her excitement was contagious and her goals were clear: Help Merrimack win an NCAA championship. Period. On day 2 of pre-season training, that mindset would be challenged. During a routine drill and a jump set she has done hundreds of times, she came down wrong and severely rolled her right ankle: A grade 3 tear, 6-8 weeks minimum rehabilitation! Ugh. Now what? Will she even get to play her freshman season? Many questions filled our minds…all stemming from a fearful mindset.

I’ll admit, mindset was the first thing that I thought of…not hers but mine! I was mad at God for letting this happen and I let Him know it. “What purpose could this have?”, I asked Him. After all she had worked for, why would He bring her this far and let this happen? Ask a lousy question, get a lousy answer. Clearly my mindset needed work before I could appropriately help hers.

Slowly though, I realized this had nothing to do with God or me, but represented a character building opportunity we couldn’t have been prepared for: Injury. You see, Megan has never had a serious injury in 12 years of athletics or even sat the bench for that matter. This was new…for her and me.

So what now?

What’s the lesson?

More importantly, what’s the approach and mindset?

What is the pace to acknowledge the disappointment but then quickly focus on getting well?

How she can help her team in other ways?

For her, it was two days of uncertainty, pain and disappointment as she waited for the results. For me, it was two days of individual reflection as to why I felt the way I did and getting my mindset right. You see, we didn’t rush to take her to the emergency room that day, thanks to my wife’s wisdom. In fact, we didn’t even go and see her.

“What? We aren’t going right down?” I yelled angrily at my wife. “Are you kidding?”

“Nope, let’s wait and see what the x-ray shows and doctor says”, my wife calmly but firmly declared.

Those that know me well, understand how difficult this “decision” was for me and the incessant second guessing that would follow. But I agreed… reluctantly.

So we paused and let the process at college take over…not only as an opportunity for Megan, but one for my own personal growth had just shown itself. We let her work through it with the Athletic Trainer… and with very close support over FaceTime. I begrudgingly stood by from a distance, guiding her and supporting her. Most importantly, empowering her to work through the emotional and physical pain as well as uncertainty. We modeled confidence in her ability, our prior preparation and the college’s process. Through this distance, we facilitated a mind shift:

From loss to opportunity.

From disappointment to determination.

From dependence to independence.

From whiner to Warrior.

By letting her learn to manage her mindset under these circumstances and making her own choices, she was building her character. Reaching her own conclusions would build confidence. Her focus evolved from what “she lost” to what she can do for the team and how she can still grow even in her limited condition. As a coach, we call this a “growth” mindset. Some things in life need to be experienced and learned on our own. This builds the courage, confidence and character we can only learn from “going through it” ourselves… a valuable lesson for both a parent and child.

We saw her this past Saturday. Almost 11 days had passed since the injury, but it felt like a lifetime. The prognosis was still the same but she looked at peace with it and focused on the journey ahead. Most of all she looked proud of herself and ready to embrace the Warrior mindset. No tears, no whining…just support for her team, a positive attitude and a determination to get well.

I also grew these last few days. My character had been tested, humbled and strengthened. In fact, a new awareness was born inside of me for situations like this. My mindset has evolved. I apologized to both my wife and God, as clearly they both knew a character building opportunity when they saw one. 🙂

As we go through the challenges throughout our lives, let us use them as opportunities to build our character by embracing the “warrior” mindset.

How is your character being built? As a whiner or Warrior?

A New “Home”…

A New “Home”…

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The day started early. Slowly, we mulled around the house, making sure everything was packed and nothing forgotten. Unnecessarily double and triple checking everything. For the first time in 10 years we weren’t in a hurry. We wanted to savor every last moment of this chapter of our lives. As the final pages were being written, things were changing and there was no way to stop it, so we delayed as long as we could. Even the weather seemed to object to our departure, with heavy rain and foggy roads...symbolic of our emotional journey ahead.

We had planned for this day for years. We saved. We researched. We visited. We even made the decision as a family. We were certainly prepared on paper, but emotionally, are you ever really ready?

Taking our first child Megan to college is a new chapter for all of us. Megan is our baby girl...the first born and in fact, our only girl. Affectionately nicknamed “Meg-Pies”, she embodies everything precious, beautiful and special in a daughter and big sister. Smart. Athletic. Caring. She was the first one we tested our limited parental knowledge on and likely the one we made the most mistakes with...LOL. Sorry Meg!

For Megan, this marks the beginning of the next phase of her life. New people, new places, exciting times, independence, opportunities and making her own choices. For us, this is the end of a major milestone in raising our daughter. Had we done enough? Had we done too much? What happens now? Will she still need us? Is she prepared? Clearly uncharted territory for all of us but a necessarily step in the growth of a child...and parent.

As we pulled into the college parking lot, the rain intensified, a metaphor for the tears that were building up inside each of us. Casually, we unloaded the car, joking lightheartedly with each other as we carried items to her new “home”. Then multiple trips to Target and Walmart ensured the last stage of readiness of the new room was complete, giving the only remaining comfort a parent can hold on to before the inevitable departure.

That night we had the “last” dinner, now immortalized with fish tacos and Mexican Food. Immersed in memories, laughter, excitement and a hint of sadness...a quiet awareness of what was happening. The truth was, what really mattered that day wasn’t something we packed or purchased. It wasn’t even something we could have taught or even said that night. All that mattered was to be present in the moment, to love unconditionally as a family, to have faith in our preparation and to embrace the amazing future that lies ahead. As the dinner concluded, so did that chapter of our lives...

Things are different now. Her room is silent. Still clean and neat from when she left. Her name still prominently displayed indicating she will be back. No scattered laundry or evidence of her activity. But if you listen closely, the walls continue to tell her story. Pictures of friends and family, memories of accomplishments and laughter but most of all... signs of love, hope and pride for a little girl that changed our lives and for one that will always have a home here. Good luck Megan! We all love you!

Where’s Your Buddy?

Where’s Your Buddy?

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Last week my 11 year old son Matthew spent 5 nights and 6 days in the woods with 200+ Scouts. I decided to join him and took the Adult Coverage Night shift from 6pm to 7am and worked during the day. It was the first camping trip that lasted longer than one night for both of us. Suffice to say, camping for this long was an adjustment but the time I spent with him, the scouts and what I (re)learned about caring for each other, teamwork and asking for help made the sleepless nights and sore back worth it!

One of the most important concepts in Scouts is the “Buddy System” which was reinforced verbally daily and with signs throughout the campsite asking: “Where’s Your Buddy”. Wikipedia defines this as “a cooperative arrangement whereby individuals are paired or teamed up and assume responsibility for one another’s instruction, productivity, welfare, or safety.” In other words, instilling in the scouts that they should always do things in pairs or groups, and to never leave anyone alone to ensure the safety and welfare of the troop. This includes eating, sleeping, swimming, hiking, and going anywhere. This concept, although simple, can be easily forgotten, especially when the scouts barely know each other, the campground is dark and unfamiliar, and the newness of the situation is overwhelming. In fact, on the second day, one of the first-time campers “lost his buddy” after dinner. Now to be clear, the scout was never in danger. He was actually with another troop, but unsure where his buddy was and how to get back to camp. So he did the right thing…he stayed put and waited to be found. It was brief but long enough to bring fear and a stern reminder from the Troop Leader that scouts need to stay with their buddy, care for each another, and that we are safer and stronger together. Good lessons…for even adults.

This experience resonated with me not only because I was the adult that “found” the scout but because I remember a time not so long ago in my life when I was “lost”. You see, when I was younger I depended on my family, friends, teachers, and coaches for their support, council and direction. But as I grew older and became more independent, my confidence grew and eventually I forgot the importance and role the “buddy system” plays. I stopped regularly consulting others and thought being an adult, parent or leader  meant you had all the answers or “I could figure it out myself”. In fact, my pride, fear and facade became an obstacle to my own growth and happiness. This isolation led to an adult type of “lost” where what I valued, what I wanted, what was important and why I did things became unclear and confusing. In fact, in the busyness of the last 20 years of getting married, buying a home, raising children, enduring changes at work and losing loved ones along the way, I had lost the purpose of my life. Days blurred together and the “why” I did it was lost. Thankfully, I made the decision to get council and hired a “buddy” or what we adults refer to as a “coach”. This coach has helped me gain clarity on my life, redefine what I want and most importantly, recover my purpose and why I do what I do. It also reinforced that we are stronger as a “troop” and that the more wise council we get in life and the more we share ourselves with others, the less likely we are to get lost. This has made all the difference in my life.

Not everyone needs a coach, but who we get council from matters. Having an objective third party and/or someone we trust to work with through challenges brings clarity, comfort and perspective. “Buddies” in our lives can provide the reciprocal guidance, help, caring and support needed as we weather the ups and downs…hopefully minimizing the number of times we get “lost” in the woods of life.

So I have to ask…Where’s your buddy?

Being Authentic Builds Connection

Being Authentic Builds Connection

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My son and I visited my mom this past weekend just outside Cooperstown, NY. We spent most of the day outside, enjoying the weather, hiking and riding quads in the woods. As we traveled along a trail, something caught my eye. It was red and green and shined in the sunlight. After a closer look, we determined it was an amazing little insect about half the size of a dime and sitting on a tall blade of grass. It’s shape, colors and movements were unique and intoxicating. We found ourselves lost in watching it walk around on the blades of grass, clumsy in appearance but surefooted as it navigated the terrain…unaware of us and happy with just “being itself.”
 
It made me think about what people “see” when they meet me. Do I catch their eye with my words, actions and appearance? Do they see my authentic self or a facade I wear to hide my insecurities and fears?
 
This point was made again this past Friday on a call I had with a colleague. I had been given the name of another executive coach to share best practices, experiences and our journey as a coach. At the start of the call, I made the decision to enable my video so that she could hear AND see me. She agreed to do the same. This was the first step towards being authentic by letting us “see each other.” This paved the way for our discussion and helped to quickly build rapport. We talked, laughed and shared interests about dogs, coaching and to my surprise…our faith. You see, during our conversation I noticed a necklace with a beautiful cross… an outward sign only visible because we were on video. Although sometimes a sensitive topic, I decided to compliment her on the necklace and showed her my cross and necklace which was hidden beneath my shirt. Immediately, our connection grew stronger and the authenticity of our interaction deepened. We talked about our journey of faith, the parallels it has with caring for people as a coach, and not being afraid to be ourselves. In fact, each day as we interact with others, we have the opportunity to share many outward expressions that tell people who we really are. The more we are the authentic, the deeper the connections we build as coaches, parents, colleagues and people.
 
This all started with a simple decision to share our video during a phone call. The willingness to be “seen”, to be ourselves and to share our colors, shapes and values deepened the connection we made with one another. It proved, the more authentic we are, the more authentic others will likely be too…a lesson we can even learn from a marvelous little insect!