My mom’s unexpected passing last fall has been a challenging adjustment to say the least. Settling her estate, making arrangements, taking care of my kids as well as my own emotions has been overwhelming. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to decompress which has led to a deep sadness and mild depression including a feeling of loneliness and even anger some days. A recent visit to her house has helped changed my perspective…

Mom didn’t want a traditional burial. She wanted to be cremated and have her ashes sprinkled in her flowerbeds in front of her house. We joked for years about how difficult that would be emotionally but in the end, we honored her wishes and did it in a heartbreaking private ceremony with Amazing Grace playing in the background. What remains of her ashes are kept safely in a beautiful white urn, painted with pink peonies (her favorite flower) set on her bedroom dresser with a cross hanging from it and a sign that says “#1 Grandma in the World. “

Now when I return home, I always visit the urn first. Upon entering her room, I say “ Hi, Mom”. I hug “her” and kiss “her”. I tell her I have missed her and that I love her…just like I have done throughout my entire life. I do the same upon leaving.

In a recent trip home, I whispered “come see me tonight”. My sister Kate had talked about mom comforting her in dreams many times since she passed and I was jealous! Mom had “visited” me only once since her passing and in my childish mind I was now saying, “It’s my turn, Mom!”

I don’t know what I was expecting. I just made the request for her to come visit me. Would she come in a dream, as an apparition or in a form I wouldn’t recognize? As I drifted off to sleep later that night, I had forgotten about the request.

Waking in my childhood bedroom the next day is always a surreal experience. Staring at the same ceiling and four walls that watched me grow up, feeling the heat drift through the baseboard and listening for mom’s bedroom door creak open as she shuffled down the hall to make coffee always stirs up memories.

Only this time, mom’s door didn’t creak open that morning. The reality of “where” I was in life settled in slowly, sadly. As the sun began to peek through the window, it seemed to urge me to get up, and to go make the coffee for the next generation that might be “listening” for a creaky door. I slowly rolled over, rose and sat at the edge of the bed and got dressed.

As I went to make the bed I saw something. It was small, on top of the comforter, exactly where I had been laying. What was it I thought? Upon closer inspection, it was a lady bug. It was alive and moving towards me. It’s red colors and dark spots were unmistakable.

“Mom. Is that you?” I said softly. My mind racing. What now?

I leaned over and gently pressed my finger on the comforter and let “her” climb into my hand. Once on my hand, she stopped. Time was frozen. We stared at each other. Suddenly, I felt compelled to walk down the hall and awkwardly make coffee with her in my hand. As I had requested, “she” had come to see me and even helped me make the coffee one last time. Soon after she flew away. I couldn’t find her again but was at peace with her visit.

I have no way of knowing for sure, but I believe it was mom. You see, ladybugs had become symbolic in her life. In addition to the lady bug trinkets in the house, real lady bugs would always “visit” in the spring and fall. Now deep in the winter, it was rare to see a ladybug, let alone find one lying next to me unharmed during sleep. It certainly could be a coincidence with me asking her to visit me, and the lady bug appearing, but I believe it was her honoring my request to visit me.

Things in life aren’t always what they seem. What we ask for isn’t always given in the form we expect. Sometimes, we must take the time to “look closer” at what is and has happened, and realize that although it might not be what we wanted or “requested”, God is giving us exactly what we need. And just like mom and the lady bug, He is always with us…all we need to do is ask and be open to “look closer”.

As we packed up and began to leave the house, I again stopped in, hugged “her” and with a childish smirk on my face said:

“Thanks Mom. I love you. I miss you you. “See” you soon. Let’s see Kate beat that one! ?

The sound of the Facetime shattered the morning silence.

It was Megan. It was 7am. Nothing good has ever followed a call this early from her. Nothing. At 16, it was a car accident shortly after getting her license. At 18, a season ending ankle sprain her freshman year of college. My mind raced. Now what?

Hoping for the best, I put a smile on my face and answered:
“Well, something must be wrong if you’re calling us this early…what’s up?” I said half joking.

Silence.

“Where’s mom?” Megan blurted out, tears in her eyes and crying.

“She’s in the shower. What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“No. I tested positive for COVID.” she exclaimed.

“Ok. Ok. Try to stay calm. Let’s discuss what this means…”

Meaning.
I’ve come to believe that it’s the meaning we give to life’s “storms”, not the “storm” itself that determines the quality of people’s lives. Meaning shapes our perspective, our reaction, our reality and our life. Ultimately, meaning is a choice.
For Megan, this “storm” (COVID) meant fear and uncertainty…but most of all, isolation from family, friends and the sport she loved. She was panicked and at 200 miles away, we needed a safe plan fast!

“Should we bring her home?” my wife asked.

“Probably not unless we want to expose ourselves. Plus, Matt wouldn’t be able to go into school for at least 10 days afterwards and we would all need to be quarantined,” I said in frustration.

“Right. How about you and Matt stay at my mom’s and I’ll stay with her here at our house,” my wife suggested, desperate to find a solution.

“No. I don’t want to take a chance with you getting it either or having to be quarantined for another 10 days somewhere else. Too risky to me and we would never forgive ourselves if something bad happened to any of us, ” I asserted with concern.

“Ugh! There aren’t many good options. Let’s talk to Megan,” she replied.

With us being 200 Miles away and a primary caregiver for my mother in law, it was decided that Megan would stay at the campus provided quarantine housing… alone, for 10 days. Not perfect, but the best of all options.

The journey had begun. The question was what meaning would we each associate to this “storm”? Would we choose to find an empowering meaning in the path ahead or be consumed by fear, anger or paralysis?

As her mild symptoms began to disappear, a deep loneliness began to set in…a strange place, all alone, all day was taking its toll on her. Thankfully her life wasn’t at risk, but the meaning she was giving this “storm” was beginning to impact her mindset.

“I can’t do this for 7 more days! This is terrible!”, she cried aloud.

“You can do it,” my wife reassured her over FaceTime. (Thank God for technology.)

This desperation went on for days 3 through 5. We felt helpless as parents. Like we had to choose the lesser of two evils. Having her self-isolate was the right decision for the safety of everyone but it still was hard to know she would be alone for 10 days to deal with this. Thankfully she wasn’t sick.

“Dad, I need something to do. I have too much time on my hands. Can I do one of your coaching programs?” she eagerly asked.

Gleaming with pride I answered…

“Great idea. I have a new one that I would love to share with you. It’s actually a 10-day program and perfect for this situation. It’s called RESILIENCE: 10 Steps to navigating, adapting and growing in life’s storms.

“Great. Send it to me!” she said.

Over the next 10 days, she walked through my 3 building blocks of Self Love, Self-Awareness and Self Discipline. She learned 10 new habits to prepare and empower her when faced with adversity in her life and how to find an empowering meaning in any “storm”. These will require ongoing practice, and forms the habits needed for building resilience into our lives during good times and bad.

Megan has since returned to “normal” college life, thankfully with no long term symptoms or cardiac complications as far as we know. This storm may be over, but the meaning she gave to this experience and the habits she developed as a result will forever be a part of her. May God bless those still battling COVID and bring peace to those that have lost those they love.