Month: August 2018

What Builds Character?

What Builds Character?

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As a leader and coach our character is critical. It builds trust and enables connection with others. It sets the foundation for how we act in times of adversity, stress and challenge. How we build it through the years is a combination of our experiences, our choices, the observations we make and who we choose to spend time with. How we maintain it, is a matter of mindset.

This isn’t any different as a parent as we help our children build their character or shape their mindset. As my daughter Megan went off to college, we thought about the character we had instilled in her; integrity, faith, work ethic and service to others. Up to this point, there was no reason for doubt, but college presented new risks. It had been 26 years since my wife and I had graduated college (yes, that long!) so what should we be concerned about that would test her character?

Drinking? Drugs? Sex? Bullying? Cheating? Stealing? Arrogance? All definitely a concern, but based on Megan’s track record, we felt comfortable we had these covered. Therefore, we dropped her off that rainy Sunday afternoon feeling sad, but confident that she had a good foundation to face whatever challenges college had to throw at her…at least we thought.

What we weren’t prepared for was a significant injury the second day of pre-season! But that is exactly what happened and it took us completely off-guard. Megan had committed over a year ago to play volleyball at Merrimack and had diligently prepared for her chance to earn the starting setter role when the time came. Daily she whined that her senior high school year wasn’t going by fast enough and how she couldn’t wait to play at college. Her excitement was contagious and her goals were clear: Help Merrimack win an NCAA championship. Period. On day 2 of pre-season training, that mindset would be challenged. During a routine drill and a jump set she has done hundreds of times, she came down wrong and severely rolled her right ankle: A grade 3 tear, 6-8 weeks minimum rehabilitation! Ugh. Now what? Will she even get to play her freshman season? Many questions filled our minds…all stemming from a fearful mindset.

I’ll admit, mindset was the first thing that I thought of…not hers but mine! I was mad at God for letting this happen and I let Him know it. “What purpose could this have?”, I asked Him. After all she had worked for, why would He bring her this far and let this happen? Ask a lousy question, get a lousy answer. Clearly my mindset needed work before I could appropriately help hers.

Slowly though, I realized this had nothing to do with God or me, but represented a character building opportunity we couldn’t have been prepared for: Injury. You see, Megan has never had a serious injury in 12 years of athletics or even sat the bench for that matter. This was new…for her and me.

So what now?

What’s the lesson?

More importantly, what’s the approach and mindset?

What is the pace to acknowledge the disappointment but then quickly focus on getting well?

How she can help her team in other ways?

For her, it was two days of uncertainty, pain and disappointment as she waited for the results. For me, it was two days of individual reflection as to why I felt the way I did and getting my mindset right. You see, we didn’t rush to take her to the emergency room that day, thanks to my wife’s wisdom. In fact, we didn’t even go and see her.

“What? We aren’t going right down?” I yelled angrily at my wife. “Are you kidding?”

“Nope, let’s wait and see what the x-ray shows and doctor says”, my wife calmly but firmly declared.

Those that know me well, understand how difficult this “decision” was for me and the incessant second guessing that would follow. But I agreed… reluctantly.

So we paused and let the process at college take over…not only as an opportunity for Megan, but one for my own personal growth had just shown itself. We let her work through it with the Athletic Trainer… and with very close support over FaceTime. I begrudgingly stood by from a distance, guiding her and supporting her. Most importantly, empowering her to work through the emotional and physical pain as well as uncertainty. We modeled confidence in her ability, our prior preparation and the college’s process. Through this distance, we facilitated a mind shift:

From loss to opportunity.

From disappointment to determination.

From dependence to independence.

From whiner to Warrior.

By letting her learn to manage her mindset under these circumstances and making her own choices, she was building her character. Reaching her own conclusions would build confidence. Her focus evolved from what “she lost” to what she can do for the team and how she can still grow even in her limited condition. As a coach, we call this a “growth” mindset. Some things in life need to be experienced and learned on our own. This builds the courage, confidence and character we can only learn from “going through it” ourselves… a valuable lesson for both a parent and child.

We saw her this past Saturday. Almost 11 days had passed since the injury, but it felt like a lifetime. The prognosis was still the same but she looked at peace with it and focused on the journey ahead. Most of all she looked proud of herself and ready to embrace the Warrior mindset. No tears, no whining…just support for her team, a positive attitude and a determination to get well.

I also grew these last few days. My character had been tested, humbled and strengthened. In fact, a new awareness was born inside of me for situations like this. My mindset has evolved. I apologized to both my wife and God, as clearly they both knew a character building opportunity when they saw one. 🙂

As we go through the challenges throughout our lives, let us use them as opportunities to build our character by embracing the “warrior” mindset.

How is your character being built? As a whiner or Warrior?

A New “Home”…

A New “Home”…

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The day started early. Slowly, we mulled around the house, making sure everything was packed and nothing forgotten. Unnecessarily double and triple checking everything. For the first time in 10 years we weren’t in a hurry. We wanted to savor every last moment of this chapter of our lives. As the final pages were being written, things were changing and there was no way to stop it, so we delayed as long as we could. Even the weather seemed to object to our departure, with heavy rain and foggy roads...symbolic of our emotional journey ahead.

We had planned for this day for years. We saved. We researched. We visited. We even made the decision as a family. We were certainly prepared on paper, but emotionally, are you ever really ready?

Taking our first child Megan to college is a new chapter for all of us. Megan is our baby girl...the first born and in fact, our only girl. Affectionately nicknamed “Meg-Pies”, she embodies everything precious, beautiful and special in a daughter and big sister. Smart. Athletic. Caring. She was the first one we tested our limited parental knowledge on and likely the one we made the most mistakes with...LOL. Sorry Meg!

For Megan, this marks the beginning of the next phase of her life. New people, new places, exciting times, independence, opportunities and making her own choices. For us, this is the end of a major milestone in raising our daughter. Had we done enough? Had we done too much? What happens now? Will she still need us? Is she prepared? Clearly uncharted territory for all of us but a necessarily step in the growth of a child...and parent.

As we pulled into the college parking lot, the rain intensified, a metaphor for the tears that were building up inside each of us. Casually, we unloaded the car, joking lightheartedly with each other as we carried items to her new “home”. Then multiple trips to Target and Walmart ensured the last stage of readiness of the new room was complete, giving the only remaining comfort a parent can hold on to before the inevitable departure.

That night we had the “last” dinner, now immortalized with fish tacos and Mexican Food. Immersed in memories, laughter, excitement and a hint of sadness...a quiet awareness of what was happening. The truth was, what really mattered that day wasn’t something we packed or purchased. It wasn’t even something we could have taught or even said that night. All that mattered was to be present in the moment, to love unconditionally as a family, to have faith in our preparation and to embrace the amazing future that lies ahead. As the dinner concluded, so did that chapter of our lives...

Things are different now. Her room is silent. Still clean and neat from when she left. Her name still prominently displayed indicating she will be back. No scattered laundry or evidence of her activity. But if you listen closely, the walls continue to tell her story. Pictures of friends and family, memories of accomplishments and laughter but most of all... signs of love, hope and pride for a little girl that changed our lives and for one that will always have a home here. Good luck Megan! We all love you!

Where’s Your Buddy?

Where’s Your Buddy?

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Last week my 11 year old son Matthew spent 5 nights and 6 days in the woods with 200+ Scouts. I decided to join him and took the Adult Coverage Night shift from 6pm to 7am and worked during the day. It was the first camping trip that lasted longer than one night for both of us. Suffice to say, camping for this long was an adjustment but the time I spent with him, the scouts and what I (re)learned about caring for each other, teamwork and asking for help made the sleepless nights and sore back worth it!

One of the most important concepts in Scouts is the “Buddy System” which was reinforced verbally daily and with signs throughout the campsite asking: “Where’s Your Buddy”. Wikipedia defines this as “a cooperative arrangement whereby individuals are paired or teamed up and assume responsibility for one another’s instruction, productivity, welfare, or safety.” In other words, instilling in the scouts that they should always do things in pairs or groups, and to never leave anyone alone to ensure the safety and welfare of the troop. This includes eating, sleeping, swimming, hiking, and going anywhere. This concept, although simple, can be easily forgotten, especially when the scouts barely know each other, the campground is dark and unfamiliar, and the newness of the situation is overwhelming. In fact, on the second day, one of the first-time campers “lost his buddy” after dinner. Now to be clear, the scout was never in danger. He was actually with another troop, but unsure where his buddy was and how to get back to camp. So he did the right thing…he stayed put and waited to be found. It was brief but long enough to bring fear and a stern reminder from the Troop Leader that scouts need to stay with their buddy, care for each another, and that we are safer and stronger together. Good lessons…for even adults.

This experience resonated with me not only because I was the adult that “found” the scout but because I remember a time not so long ago in my life when I was “lost”. You see, when I was younger I depended on my family, friends, teachers, and coaches for their support, council and direction. But as I grew older and became more independent, my confidence grew and eventually I forgot the importance and role the “buddy system” plays. I stopped regularly consulting others and thought being an adult, parent or leader  meant you had all the answers or “I could figure it out myself”. In fact, my pride, fear and facade became an obstacle to my own growth and happiness. This isolation led to an adult type of “lost” where what I valued, what I wanted, what was important and why I did things became unclear and confusing. In fact, in the busyness of the last 20 years of getting married, buying a home, raising children, enduring changes at work and losing loved ones along the way, I had lost the purpose of my life. Days blurred together and the “why” I did it was lost. Thankfully, I made the decision to get council and hired a “buddy” or what we adults refer to as a “coach”. This coach has helped me gain clarity on my life, redefine what I want and most importantly, recover my purpose and why I do what I do. It also reinforced that we are stronger as a “troop” and that the more wise council we get in life and the more we share ourselves with others, the less likely we are to get lost. This has made all the difference in my life.

Not everyone needs a coach, but who we get council from matters. Having an objective third party and/or someone we trust to work with through challenges brings clarity, comfort and perspective. “Buddies” in our lives can provide the reciprocal guidance, help, caring and support needed as we weather the ups and downs…hopefully minimizing the number of times we get “lost” in the woods of life.

So I have to ask…Where’s your buddy?